Now that the primary season is over, Republicans will be pivoting back towards their usual behaviors and the standard boogeyman arguments they’ve used for decades. You probably have them as friends, family members, or social media associates and they probably annoy you a lot. When they say the things they say, it’s good to have some factual responses that will annoy them back just as much – if not more.
With that in mind, we’ve developed a brief playbook for dealing with your crazy Republican uncle or random right-wingers that appear on social media.
1: Republicans won’t stop martyring themselves over abortion, despite the fact that the Supreme Court keeps telling them they can’t ban it.
When they do this, remind Republicans to follow the example of their saint, Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan legalized abortion in California after only four months in office. It was called, “The Therapeutic Abortion Act”. If it’s good enough for Ronnie it’s good enough for them.
2: When Republicans talk about how Socialists hate America, remind them that a Socialist wrote the Pledge of Allegiance.
The Pledge of Allegiance was written in August 1892 by Francis Bellamy (1855–1931), who was a Baptist minister, and Christian Socialist who thought Capitalism was nothing but a path to greed. Socialists really do love America!
3: You know it is coming. “Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi.” So, here is how to handle it.
Hillary is going to be the nominee, so you know that this dead horse will ride yet again. Remind Republicans that 9/11 happened on George W. Bush’s watch, yet they don’t say “never forget 9/11.” They don’t even remember how many Americans died on 9/11 like they do for Benghazi. This proves that Republicans don’t care about Benghazi, they only hate Hillary Clinton. It also helps to let them know Republicans in both chambers of Congress have conducted numerous investigations and every single one has come up scandal free … because there is no damned scandal.
4: Republicans want you to think that Democrats will let the terrorists take over America, because they are weak on defense.
Barack Obama ordered the killing of Osama Bin Laden and was successful. It took him two and half years to do what Bush couldn’t do in eight, and he didn’t have to spend 6 trillion dollars invading the wrong country to do it. He also was at the lead of a wildly successful campaign to degrade, disable and destroy ISIS – the same terrorist state that was created by George W. Bush by destabilizing Iraq.
5: Regardless of how far north they live, Republicans feel the need to support their Confederate “heritage.”
When they talk about how the Confederate flag is about “heritage” and not “racism,” remind them that the entire Confederacy was based 100% on slavery — not states rights, big government, or “northern aggression”. Show the words of the Vice President of the Confederacy to any Republican or wannabe modern Confederate then demand an explanation of why they support slavers and traitors.
6: Republicans want you to think government spending is so out of control that it’s going to destroy the nation.
To put it plainly, this is a total lie. President Obama has not increased spending, despite the fact the debt, not the deficit, has risen under his presidency. What he did was put hidden Bush era expenditures on the books for transparency. In fact, President Obama has reduced our deficit by a historic amount during his two terms, and every Republican in recent history has increased spending by far more than he has.
7: Republicans use words like “welfare” or “entitlement” as a vulgar term, but a person who they claim to love never did.
Jesus was a radical leftist Jew that gave free food and healthcare to everyone, and never suggested that it fostered a culture of dependence or entitlement. When Republicans complain about having to pay for other people’s food stamps or public housing, remind them Jesus also said everyone should pay their taxes without protest.
8: Republicans want to cut spending on things such as food stamps, ignoring the immense waste in our military budget.
The US Military is a HUGE Socialist program because it is funded 100% by tax dollars, so they should hate it. Right? It also is far more expensive than food stamps and Planned Parenthood spending combined, while being absolutely loaded with waste and zero accountability. Until Republicans get serious about wasteful military spending, they should feel ashamed at wanting to take 100 bucks a month away from a starving family with children.
9: STOP talking about how Republicans freed the slaves, so that means they aren’t racists.
The Republican party opened its doors to every racist when it embraced the Southern Strategy in the 60s, and it has only gotten worse as they evolved into the party of Donald Trump. We are tired of hearing about how Republicans freed the slaves! You don’t get to use this card until you remove all the racists from your party. Period.
10: Republicans are wrong when they suggest Jesus helped write the U.S. Constitution.
Every time a Republican can’t pull their nose out of their Bible when it comes the running of our government, tell them that separation of church and state is in the Constitution. It is clearly in the first amendment. Then, ask them why they hate the Constitution and our Founding Fathers’ opinion on that matter.
11: The tenth amendment only seems to apply whenever Republicans lose a SCOTUS decision.
A go-to dodge by Republicans on many questions is the concept of “states’ rights”, regarding bigoted laws like transgender bathroom policing or banning abortion. They think a state can more or less do whatever it wants, according to The Constitution. Then, the promptly ignore this when it comes to states want to keep abortion legal, legalize marijuana, or enact gun control laws. Republicans don’t get to have it both ways. If they want states’ rights to be a thing, they need to shut up about it when states legalize weed or ban assault rifles.
12: Republicans can stop reminding us they aren’t scientists.
97% of climatologists agree climate change is real. By comparison, 25% of American voters think the Sun orbits the Earth. With this in mind, no Republican to date has said the “science” is not definite on the Sun issue. Climate change is NOT a controversial topic, no matter how much they wish it was.
13: Republicans believe women’s rights are the root of all evil.
Every Republican presidential candidate thinks that if we just force women to give birth against their will, make them work for less pay than men, and we ignore rape as a nation, the terrorists will lose, we will have full employment, and all gay people will spontaneously choose a hetero lifestyle. Roe v. Wade was a 7-2 decision made by a Conservative Supreme Court. Equal pay for equal work is the only fair option. Rape exists and is a serious problem for all women everywhere, despite privilege or wealth. It’s time for them to understand these are facts.
14: Taxation is NOT theft.
Taxes are not unconstitutional. They are also not theft. They are completely legal and defined as a power of government in the Constitution, in Article I, Section 8, Clause 1. Deal with it. Next time Republicans scream at a police checkpoint “AM I BEING DETAINED?!”, remind them that their right to travel freely on public roads is taxpayer funded. Taxes are also paid for government development of the internet – which happens to be their favorite place to complain about how all taxation is wrong.
15: Gun control is not only constitutional, but their biggest hero supported it.
Since Republicans cannot stop obsessing over Ronald Reagan, remind them that Ronald Reagan supported gun control laws. Specifically, he gave high profile support to an assault weapon ban. They either need to start hating Reagan, or they need to acknowledge that gun control is not step one towards a Communist America.
We sincerely hope that this helps you infuriate many, many Republicans in the run up to the 2016 presidential election. They deserve nothing less.