A Letter To United Airlines’ Media Manager – Sh!tty Day, Huh?

Dear United Spokesperson,

Whew, today is going to be rough, huh? And, you just got through the whole Great Leggings Fiasco of 2017, too. Man oh man, am I glad I’m not you right now.

Here you are, just sitting in your plush cubicle, or if you’re lucky, one of those window offices with the super thin walls and fishbowl glass front – maybe having your third cup of coffee for the morning. You always check the Twitter page when you first get to work.

Yesterday, you guys posted this super sweet tweet about vets and you were pretty sure you were well through the leggings nightmare. Whew! I bet you are glad that one’s over.

When you took this job I bet you never thought you’d be putting out fires like the body shaming of young women or police brutality against paying customers, huh?

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I imagine the horror you felt when those tweets started flying in and United started trending again. This is just how you wanted to start your Monday morning.

Of course, all the fuss is because you know, your company oversold seats and then when no one would volunteer to give up their seat, one of your colleagues made the brainiac decision to have a man forcibly removed from the flight via law enforcement.

I bet it was that Mark guy. He’s a real dick.

And, of course, being in the communication age, good news travels fast but f*cking deplorable news travels fastest!

So, when you decided to throw all f*cks to the wind and put out one of the most honest company answers we’ve likely ever seen – all I can say is I see what you did there (or at least I hope I’m right about what you did).

Flight 3411 from Chicago to Louisville was overbooked. After our team looked for volunteers, one customer refused to leave the aircraft voluntarily and law enforcement was asked to come to the gate. We apologize for the overbook situation.

Kudos to you for throwing your entire company under the bus like they deserve! I mean, I’m sure it doesn’t say “represent company as being the biggest douchebag ever to do business in the airline industry,” in your yearly PMP goals. And if it did say that, it’s a pretty tough goal to meet, I mean, have you ever flown Delta?

Surely this is one of those going down in a blaze of glory moments where you finally looked at the company you work for and said, “I really like my upper-middle-class income here and the benefits are fantastic – but these people are complete jerkwads! I’m done!”

I have to believe that.

Because if that isn’t the case and you really think that tiny apology for overbooking a flight but not for brutalizing a man for not volunteering to give up his seat, well, you are absolutely in the right place. You and your company can just f*ck right off with that sh*t. Perhaps you simply don’t know the meaning of volunteer. Hint: It never involves police dragging someone to the ground.

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No, no, I must, for the time being at least, believe that you are someone who took your job with high hopes of being a great PR executive and realized you’re surrounded by pricks whom you no longer wish to represent in candy coated press releases and corporate tweets.

So, I’ll sit here and ponder, are you an epic troll or an epic douchecanoe? We may never know, but either way, I suspect you’re in for one hell of a day.

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