A Quick Reference Guide To Surviving Donald Trump

It’s been nearly two months now since Donald Trump stood before the biglyest crowd ever assembled since the beginning of time 6000 years ago to take the oath of office, becoming the 45th man and the 1st complete laughing stock to occupy the Oval Office. In that time, the American people have watched as the home of the free and land of the brave devolved into the trailer park of fascists living in fear of Mexicans, ISIS and people who have to go pee.

Those are just the social aspects of dealing with a Trump administration. We haven’t even remotely begun to feel the financial repercussions. Those are coming, however, so we have to be ready. Trumpsters love to talk about how wonderful the stock market is doing even though they wouldn’t recognize a portfolio if it bit them in the ass. They don’t seem to get that yeah, all of the rich people and giant corporations are doing fantastic basking in the glow of impending tax breaks and unprecedented deregulation.

Those things can only last so long, however, before the greed once again grips Wall Street and they start trading in bad debt, resulting in another crash that only the wealthy will recover from. So…what can we do, as typical Americans, to be better prepared this time than last time? I’ve put together a few suggestions that may help if you qualify as “lower middle class” or “the working poor,” which is just about the bottom 60 percent of America.


This will be easy, because most of us ain’t got a decent pot to piss in, nevermind investments to worry about. One of the things you’ll hear a lot about as things start going to hell in a handbasket is the skyrocketing price of gold. When the people driving the really nice cars start telling you to sell your investments and put your money in precious metals, consider yourself royally f*cked. If you’re in the bottom half of America, chances are a catastrophic car breakdown or an illness that puts you out of work for a week is a more eminent threat, since most of us don’t have a thousand or two dollars in the bank to fall back on, never mind a f*cking portfolio.

The answer then is to sell your car and buy bicycles and spend what’s left on multi-vitamins in the hopes you don’t get sick. You’ll find yourself in much better shape physically and the worry of a breakdown will virtually disappear. You have officially divested.

Sell Your Sh*t.

Just do it now while people still have some cash and are willing to pay a good price for it. Take any nice clothes you have to a second-hand store, sell them, go to Walmart and get yourself a wardrobe of Great Value brand garbage for 42 bucks. If you have a decent cell phone, a nice TV or anything else that may not be considered a necessity, sell those too and replace them with crap from the under $10 bin at Goodwill. You can find some nice early model Nokias laying around that will make calls and send texts just fine.

This solves two problems. First, you’ll have fewer things to worry about and some cash to work with. Use the cash to buy chicken legs at 79 cents per pound from Save A Lot. Whatever you have left should be invested in canned foods. Sure, they carry brands nobody has ever heard of, but that’s OK. A green bean is a green bean. Second, when the sh*t hits the fan and you’re forced to go to food banks, douchebag conservatives won’t be able to point at you in anger because you have nice stuff you bought before their Fuhrer ruined your life.

Plant A Garden.

No matter how much you prepare, you’re gonna get hungry. If you plant a garden now you have a fighting chance to feed your kids something healthy. Sure, Ramen noodles are cheap and the little ones love them, but they offer zero nutrition and will more than like cause some obesity, once again causing conservatives to point at you angrily for being so fat while poor. Poor people should be thin and malnourished.

The garden should include as many cruciferous vegetables as possible and if you live in a state with a medical or recreational marijuana program, a ton of weed. Not only will a good high help you forget that you live in Donald Trump’s America, if you can manage to grow enough you can sell some to your friends when they get back from pawning all of their sh*t.


Not to Canada or anything. Just move. A lot. Stick to low-end dives that won’t require credit checks. Utilities included is always a plus, but there are ways to get free electric and cable. The more often you move, the more often you can use the scams that help keep a family fed, like telling all of the fast food places in town they forgot an item when you need to fill a food void for a few days.

The blacklist at Walmart and Target starts over when you go to a new store, so you can steal $40 packs of razors and trade them for store credit in a pinch. 40 bucks buys a lot of boxes of mac n’ cheese and bottles of grape drink. Go later at night when the conservatives are sleeping since, you know, they all have jobs, to avoid the angry pointing about the lack of nutrition and fatness things.

Give up.

If things go horribly wrong and you’ve expended all options you can always just give up. If you’re single, giving up is easy. Just get yourself addicted to crack and sell yourself to a dealer. They’ll make sure you’re taken care of. If you have a family it will be more difficult because your failure to survive Donald Trump will have to provide for them. It will mean a lawsuit of some kind. A slip and fall out a window 11 stories to the pavement below from a Trump property would be a great supplement to the family income while your spouse finds a replacement. Just make sure he or she isn’t in on it…Trump can spot a liar a mile away.

The typical wrongful death suit is worth several million dollars and takes 3 years but your family can probably get Trump to sign off for a quick $25K in just a few days. That’ll keep them busy for a little while.

Surviving Donald Trump won’t be an easy thing to do unless you make a sh*tload of money. That’s pretty much the message here. Since public assistance won’t be around to help, it will be even harder than recovering after Dubya crashed us in ’08. Hopefully this little quick reference guide will help.

I need a drink.

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