Ann Coulter Asks Her Violent White Supremacist Hipster Followers Why Non-Racists Don’t Want To Hear Her Talk

Conservative firebrand speaker and middle-aged Tomi Lahren impersonator Ann Coulter has been making the rounds of conservative media outlets, drumming up sympathy for herself. Coulter has been at the center of controversy swirling around a speech she had been invited by college Republicans to give at UC Berkeley, which was postponed by the school until the same Republican group that invited her pulled out over growing safety concerns. Ahead of the speech, several alt-right groups could be seen communicating with each other online, planning to bring items they could make weapons from in order to do battle with so-called “AntiFa,” or “anti-fascist” protesters.

Coulter specifically name-checked one of these groups recently in a tweet, seen below.

This morning, several witnesses saw Coulter ask a group of men, dressed in traditional “hipster” garb and carrying various implements fashioned into weapons, why so many people didn’t want to hear her speak. Sources say Coulter seemed “confused and one the verge of tears.” Witnesses told us that it seemed Coulter was genuinely surprised there were “so many beta cuck non-racists who don’t love their country enough to commit soft genocide to protect it.”

It’s just this easy,” Coulter said, “if it’s brown, deport it now. It’s the mantra I live by, and frankly the whole country should live by if we don’t want to have the horrible future of a bunch of tan, good looking people walking around speaking both English and Spanish. It gives me the piss shudders thinking about it!

Ms. Coulter was surprised and saddened that Americans didn’t want to buy into her “brand of virulent America-first dog whistle racism” and she thinks it’s a sign that America has fallen.

“There used to be a time in this country,” Coulter said, “where you could say racist shit and get away with it. People would just accept on its face any argument that white people were just better by default. Sure, we had to find ways to couch that stuff in language that wasn’t immediately recognizable as racist claptrap. And that meant employing our Southern Strategy. But we still could be pretty much as racist as we wanted to without the liberals ruining our fun, and our country.”

Coulter paused. What scientists would later describe as “the closest thing to human tears” could be seen forming around her eyes. She was clearly shaken up.

“If we don’t live in a country where I’m lauded for being brave enough to consider my skin color an achievement,” Coulter said, “then we don’t live in America anymore!”

Coulter then melted into a heap of cosmetics, a blonde wig, toxic diarrhea, racist articles from Breitbart, and a broomstick.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo

This post is marked political satire. If you feel the need to call it “fake news” we ask that you please turn in the last two brain cells you possess, as clearly you aren’t using them anyway.

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