NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Last week, Mike Dubke abruptly quit as the White House Communications Director. So far, Mediaite claims that four people have turned down offers to take up that mantle from Dubke. Word out of Washington, however, is that two right-wing media figures have stepped up to fill the void, and will engage in a rather unorthodox way of determining who will get the job.
“Next week, I’m going to wrestle with Sean Hannity, butt naked,” Bill O’Reilly told his podcast audience last week, “and I don’t think it’s going to be close, folks. I’m about a foot and a half taller than Sean. It’s going to be a massacre.”
O’Reilly told his audience he and Hannity would strip off their clothes and hop into a kiddie pool filled with Jell-o. When the bell rings, a no-holds-barred wrestling match will ensue. The winner will get to be the new Communications Director, while the loser will be relegated to a life of sexual harassment and white privilege, but without the prestige and honor that comes with working for America’s first reality-TV president.
“I know Bill’s got height on me,” Hannity told his radio audience, “but I have tenacity. I’m like a chubby little Jack Russell Terrier, and I will nip and bite and bark like a mother, Bill! You’re not winning this outright from me, just because it’ll be like Chewbacca wrestling with a Jawa!”
Vegas odds makers have already started taking bets. At the time of publication, O’Reilly is a 3:2 favorite, but many bookies feel Hannity could pull the upset.
“When you corner a little purse dog, they get really snippy,” one bookie told us, “and maybe the initial bite doesn’t get you. But over time, if that dog keeps biting and nibbling, he’ll tear a vein and you’ll bleed out. Hannity’s Trump’s purse dog. I don’t put it past him to bite O’Reilly’s ankles hard and not let go until the whole thing’s over.”
Historians say the last time a White House settled a staffing vacancy this way was back in 1970 when President Richard M. Nixon had two men he was considering to put on the White House kitchen staff and he had them fight like 1920’s pugilists.
“It would be an honor to serve this man in any capacity,” Hannity said, wiping what looked like Cheetos dust from his upper lip, “and if Donny wants me to take all my clothes off, jump into some Jell-O, and slither and slide around with Bill O’Reilly for an hour or so, then by God that’s what I’m going to do. And I’ll ignore the hell out of whatever’s growing in my pants right now as I think about it, thank you very much.”
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