Blue collar workers from the upper midwest came out in force Tuesday to buy a product they didn’t research very well. Lured with large rallies and a mob mentality of anti-establishmentism, white men over the age of 35 turned out in large numbers, changed their debit cards from the blue one to the red one, grabbed a Trump off the shelves and hastily got in line to pay for it. Since it was a clearance item, there was no extended warranty offered if it broke or went bad over the next four years.
It was a phenomenon seen all across Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan and Wisconsin. Millions of these things flew out the door with the promise right there on the package to keep them safe, give them jobs, remove their brown neighbors and return their lives to the glory of the 1950s, when cars weighed 7 tons and women did as they were told.
Wednesday morning, as the hype wore off and reality set in, they started tearing open their packages only to find their worst nightmare. The product they bought in no way matched the packaging. The hair was blonde and wispy and the suit was cheap, sure, but there was something so egregiously wrong that people actually took the day off of work to return the defective product, hoping it wasn’t too late.
Unfortunately, when they got to the return desk, they found out that their purchase was non-refundable. John Q Regulardude, a former GM worker who took early retirement, described his faulty product:
I opened it up and tried to play with it, but it had this giant boulder attatched to it that said ‘property of the Republican Party.’ I went to look at the instruction manual but all that came with it was a four page pamphlet that said ‘A Better Way’ that laid out a plan to kill unions, privatize schools, end social programs and take away my healthcare, all wrapped up with a picture of that Eddie Munster lookin’ fella Paul Ryan smiling at me.
It seems the company — a huge, great company; possibly the greatest of all time — sold a bill of goods it couldn’t produce. They promised that this Trump thing would restore jobs that went to Mexico, when most of those jobs were actually lost in the 1980s to automation. They were told it would magically bring plants back from Canada, when the truth is the bulk of the plants are still in the United States, they’re just down south in right to work states where companies don’t have to deal with those pesky unions. Regulardude was beside himself:
So now, not only can I not have a better job making things people haven’t made in 3 decades in a state that supports unions, I also can’t practice my religion unless its Christianity, feel empathy for those less fortunate, advocate for equality for my gay son or support my daughter’s decision to make her own healthcare choices.
It’s a stark reality that millions of Americans woke up to. Unfortunately, the faulty product is here to stay until those Republicans who own it decide they can’t handle how ridiculously unqualified it is and toss it on the scrap heap, replacing it with a giant box of bigoted, alt-right Pence.
It just goes to show you that sometimes the hype isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Tickle me Elmo was annoying as hell, too, but at least it didn’t come with the ability to put 350,000 pairs of boots on the ground in Syria.