Chief Groundskeeper Says Mar-A-Lago Sinkhole Is Fixable, But Massive Orange A-Hole Is Not

PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — Bob Wilkins is the Chief Groundskeeper for Temporary President Donald Trump’s luxury estate Mar-A-Lago. This week, the Internet was set abuzz by the story of a massive sinkhole opening in front of the resort within hours of Trump touching a glowing orb in Saudi Arabia as part of his first international trip as commander in chief. While some have jokingly posited that Trump cursed himself by touching the orb — which was reportedly a high-tech “On” switch for a Saudi counter-terrorism data center — Wilkins says he can’t speak to that, but did provide an update on the status of the sinkhole, and other various aspects of the property.

“At approximately ten in the morning,” Wilkins told the media, “our grounds crew alerted us to a rather large sinkhole — about four feet square — that opened up on in front of Mar-A-Lago. We are confident at this time that the sinkhole can be rather easily repaired. However, it’s important for me to also at this time let you know that there’s a larger, smellier, and frankly dumber hole that is frequently seen around the property, and that as of yet we’ve not been able to strategize an effective method of repairing it.”

Wilkins indicated that for years now, guests have complained about a “slovenly, ill-tempered, orange a-hole” generally making their stay worse. The maintenance staff has tried “everything and anything” to close up the gaping, orange hole, but to no avail.

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“We’ve tried so much stuff,” Wilkins said, “from orangutan repellent to putting what we call a ‘Scare-Douche’ out in front of the property. That’s like a scarecrow, but you know, it scares away douches. We put an American tax collector up as a scare-douche, that didn’t work. We tried putting women over the age of 40 out front, and that didn’t work either. No matter what we did, we just couldn’t get rid of that massive, tangerine tinted a-hole.”

The bad news for Mar-A-Lago’s staff may have just gotten worse for the entire country. It seems the same orange a-hole that has plagued the estate has also spread to Washington, D.C. and several so-called “red states” that voted for the Republican candidate in last year’s election. In fact, Wilkins says that this week he’s noticed that the orange a-hole has “spread so far and so wide” that he could see it in Saudi Arabia, Israel, and Italy.

“And the real bummer,” Wilkins said, “is that even if we’re able to close up the a-hole all over the world and in other parts of the country, that same orange a-hole will be here at Mar-A-Lago. I mean, it’s not like it’s welcome at Trump Tower right now, am I right? I’ll be here all night, tip your waitress. Try the fish.”

Mr. Trump could not be reached for comment.

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