Conservative Manly Men Of Manliness Declare This The Official Definition Of A Manly Man

How can you tell if you’re a man? For most of us, we know we’re men because we have male genitalia and feel comfortable in our own skin. Anything beyond that is a stereotype that is typically irrelevant unless you’re at a nightclub or on a blind date trying to release your special breed of pheromones to court someone who interests you. It’s a mixture of science and culture, really, and as we evolve, we learn that while men and women are inherently different, we have much more in common that we ever thought possible.

I’m sorry…I should have clarified. That’s how men with an IQ over 80 and no superiority complex feel. If you’re a conservative, you have a completely different set of “rules.” You don’t get to grow a beard or buy a gun or wear a flannel shirt because you like those things and want to, those things are required. Your woman needs protecting and your family is counting on you to handle the onslaught of middle-of-the-night intruders conservatives seem to be sure are coming. If you don’t spit brown and wear confederate flags and eat cheeseburgers for breakfast, you’re a wussy little liberal who deserves to be beheaded on your front lawn by the terrorists waiting in bushes across America for “easy targets.”

There are none manlier than the “patriots,” of course. Those calling themselves III%ers because they had to be ready for the next revolution while the black guy was in office have your life and habits all mapped out for you should you decide you want to be a manly man and not some poor, helpless wimp with no chance at survival:

You have to love the second sentence. “We’ve been told for far too long that violence is never the answer.” Who knew that would be so upsetting? Of course a civilized society is going to move past violence to solve problems, you idiots, it accomplishes nothing. I do get it though; when you’re dumb as a stump the only thing you recognize is a smack upside the head.

Nobody cares if you kill your own food, stupid. Just keep your guns out of the reach of toddlers and wear proper apparel in the woods and feel free to go kill whatever you’re allowed to kill. Just because we civilized folk use the supermarket — just like you do for 95% of your “kills” — doesn’t mean we want you to throw down your rabbit rifle or give up that delicious deer jerky of yours. I do have to say, when someone tells you they don’t like venison, please stop telling us it’s because we can’t cook. It has nothing to do with that. We don’t like it because it’s f*cking gross.

Now…can someone point me to the shaved chest and skinny jean rule? I understand that the look may be popular, but is it really required? I don’t see much of that style here in Maine and plenty of the people I know are card-carrying Democratic liberals. Do I tell them we all need to conform to the liberal form of man, which is apparently really nice hair and attractive clothing? They may not go for it, especially with mud season around the corner.

So…onward and upward, men, to your true duties in this world. Protectum womun. Mmmm (grunt) children. Guns. Duty.

Is it just me or does this whole thing just strike you as painfully ignorant? You’re damned right the eyes of the children are upon us. Unfortunately for the children of conservaturd nation, they get to watch Daddy have fits of testicular fortitude where he feels the need to assert his dominance. They will see him victimize others with road rage, intimidate people he perceives as smaller and weaker because he has too much class to back down, refuse to cooperate with anyone not wearing a Jefferson Davis belt buckle and declare that we should live in fear at all times, which is code for “arm yourselves, the end is nigh.”

Be of good courage. Walk up to these assholes in public in your skinny jeans, drinking your vanilla chai and smelling like you just walked out of Abercrombie. Let them know that the way they’re treating that woman isn’t called “protecting” them, it’s called “subjugating, humiliating and demeaning” them. Tell them their children don’t “respect” them; that’s called “fear” in their eyes.

On second thought, don’t bother. You’ll just end up having to kick the ass of a guy who will stab or shoot you in self-defense because that’s what tough guys do.

This is just such a shame. This used to be considered a sub-culture. Now, with the emergence of the greatest giant Cheeto ever to rule the daft, it’s becoming normal American life. Welcome to your life. We’re currently about 3 laws away from going back in time 40 years or so. Pack a lunch.

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