After little over 240 years of continued and gradually increasing spending, the Federal Reserve announced in a press statement today that it was going to petition Congress to roll back on spending and start saving for an early retirement.
“Conservatives will be enthused to learn we’re finally listening to them,” the chairman of the Fed said in the press release. “We’re always hearing we should run the country more like a business, or more like a household budget, so today, we’re taking steps towards doing that: We’re petitioning Congress to spend less and save more, storing that money in a 401k managed by investment firms like Goldman Sachs.”
The idea is to prepare the United States for its eventual retirement from the world stage.
“Often, when nations retire, they fall apart,” the chairman explained. “They didn’t save enough; it doesn’t matter if it’s Tsarist Russia or any other former sovereign state. When they retire, they collapse.”
By investing in a diversified portfolio, the United States is hoping to stave off the collapse when it does retire.
“Much of the money is tax money, which is becoming increasingly difficult to come by,” the chairman said. “And it’s not like the federal government can just print money.”
When asked about the potential for an early retirement, the chairman noted, “I have no idea when the United States might retire. It’s up to its eyeballs in debt, with 90% of that debt owned by the United States government and the United States citizenry. You never see households in debt to themselves for that much money. We’ll have to deal with the debt we owe ourselves first, and the best way to do that is by cutting spending and by reducing the income we get by cutting taxes. According to conservatives, slashing revenues and cutting spending to key programs like Social Security will give us the money we need to pay for key programs like Social Security. What little money we have left, we’ll put away in the 401k. Perhaps we’ll save enough.”
“After all,” the chairman continued, “If things keep going the way they are now, we’re gonna need that early retirement.”