We’re coming up on the Holiday season, so it’s time for people to start thinking about what they want to get their loved ones for Mithra’s birthday. For some people, this includes shopping for pets, and for those who love pets, love Holidays, and love firearms, Cold Dead Hands has the gift for you — just check this beauty out:
Now, if you didn’t find yourself looking at this asking, “what the hell is that? Some kind of ammosexual fetish gear? And why is there so much wood? And what is up with that single horn? That’s really phallic . . . oh god, don’t tell me that’s an ammosexual penis ring; I knew they were insecure but that’s way too big” — you probably are now, and you can thank me for that mental image later. No, those are life-sized bullets (ostensibly), and this stylish slab of dead cow here is actually a dog collar.
Which isn’t to say it can’t be used for ammosexual role-playing. But that’s not the intended use for it, folks. Just like firearms, this is intended for just one of God’s creations — which, in the case of the firearm, is the white man, and in the case of this collar, his dog. You are never supposed to wear this while your gun is role-playing as the dom. That’s not how this works. That’s not how you maintain a healthy relationship with your firearm, no matter what the NRA may insist.
So why on earth would you get your dog a collar like this? Let’s hit the Facebook comments to find out:
In a world with eBay and Amazon, where people go off on completely irrelevant rants while reviewing or commenting on products, it’s so nice to see someone staying on target and giving us the highlights of the product in question.
As of this writing, there are only nine comments. The other eight are tagging people with the phrase “your dog would look good in this,” which makes me sad their dog wasn’t there and couldn’t post. Because if Fido could, I’m almost sure he’d say something to the effect of, “Oh, hell no. I am not wearing your fetish gear.”
Here’s the product description, from their store page, spelling mistakes and all (because nothing makes you confident in a storefront like spelling errors):
Six Shooter Leather’s lastest [sic] handmade leather gear, our leather dog collar is available in ANY rifle, handgun or shotgun caliber, ANY size up to 29 inches and 14 different colors!
They adjustable collars are sized, so please measure your furry friend’s neck to ensure a proper fitment. We reccomend [sic] handgun calibers for the comfort of your pet. Truly one of a kind!
Size, caliber and color selection will appear above, please allow this page to load completely before adding to your cart.
That this is Six Shooter Leather’s “lastest” handmade leather gear makes me wonder about the state of their business, and the use of “fitment” also boggles the mind; the last time I heard that word was William Shakespeare’s The Tragedy of Cymbeline. That’s a Britishism, and it refers to cabinetry — unless you’re using the archaic definition, in which case, congratulations, Cold Dead Hands. You nailed the use of an archaic word in the same paragraph you misspelled “recommend.” That’s impressive.
I can’t give them too much flak, though; misspellings and mistakes happen. Typos are a force of nature, much like firearms themselves, who are going to kill somewhere north of 10,000 Americans this year and has killed around 13,000 consistently for the last two.
It’s a good thing we have dog collars like this, reminding us that ammunition isn’t at all dangerous and can be used as fashion accessory for your dog, isn’t it?