God Reveals Why He Helped Trump Win In New Book

It’s been over 400 years since He last released a book, but in His latest book, The Holy American Bible, God offers an answer to a number of knotty, theological questions — including why He helped Trump win in 2016.

The Holy American Bible is a 150-page book that offers answers to a number of questions believers may have, and in layman’s tone removed from the flowery rhetoric of the King James Bible. However, the area God spends most of His time discussing is American politics, and why He supports the Republican Party.

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“Frankly put,” God writes, “They spend so much time speaking for me I don’t really have to say anything. It’s actually rather nice to be so famous but not have to say anything. Sure, there’s static, but at the end of the day, the Republican Party says everything I could possibly want to say and then some.”

God, as it turns out, likes Mr. Trump. “He may not be the next Cyrus the Great, but I saw potential. So I decided to give him that extra boost — after all, he lost the popular vote by more than three million votes. He needed all the help he could get.”

“It’s also part of my master plan,” God writes. “I’ve been working on it since I booted you all out of Eden 6,000 years ago.”

God would go on to note that, “the Republican Party knows exactly what I want, and, in return, they support four of my favorite things: rich men, white men, authoritarian men, and powerful men. How can I say no to that?”

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He would also note the Republican opposition to abortion and birth control and how it aligned with His own: “I spend all this time planning on how I’m going to damn you to Hell when you die, only for you to be aborted before you’re even born, and I have to take your soul back into heaven? How is that fair to Me? That’s cheating the system, something the Republicans are completely against unless it benefits them. And I can appreciate that.”

You can find God’s new book, The Holy American Bible, on bookshelves today.

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