WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week the political world was taken by surprise when a man in Montana won a special election for one of the state’s seats in the House of Representatives even after he was caught on tape body slamming a journalist. Greg Gianforte will serve Montana in the People’s House soon, and his party has taken notice. Officials for the Republican Party announced today that they would begin offering all their nominees hand-to-hand combat lessons, citing Gianforte’s success.
“Hey, very honestly we couldn’t believe Greg won last week ourselves,” RNC Co-Deputy Sub-Chair of Social Media Mark McMasters told reporters this morning, “but hey, when in Burning Rome, grab those fiddles and play, play, play boys! Know what I mean?”
McMasters announced that starting in just a few weeks, the RNC will pay for hand-to-hand and other various forms of melee style combat for every nominee in any elected seat in the country.
“That means if you’re a journalist for your high school paper and you’re about to ask a Republican running for the school board a question,” McMasters explained, “you’d better come correct, you’d better come with massive amounts of respect, and you should probably come wearing a helmet and perhaps some chain mail.”
Mr. McMasters said that the sucess of Gianforte’s body slam even made the GOP briefly consider giving their candidates additional forms of combat training.
“Look, we’re the Everyone Needs a Gun Party,” McMasters said, “and so a lot of us were thinking we might just be better off issuing all our nominees sidearms and giving them free range time. But apparently you can’t just shoot so-called journalists anymore. We’re not sure when the Democrats snuck that law onto the books, but we’re partnering with the National Rifle Association to sponsor legislation in all fifty states that would rollback the egregious federal overstep of not allowing the wanton murder of the free press.”
The GOP will tap Linda McMahon, someone who ran for office under their banner twice and lost both times but still wound-up in Trump’s cabinet, to secure the resources for training their candidates. Ms. McMahon and her husband have owned the World Wrestling Entertainment company for decades, as far as back as when it was originally called the “WWF.” McMahon, in a written statement, said she is “looking forward to teaching fake Christians how to fake fight.”
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