That time that we all knew was coming is at hand! In their downward spiral of madness and ideological purity, the right-wing has achieved the unbelievable: they have finally expelled Fox News from their ranks for “being too liberal.” This was a long time coming, but we all knew it would happen eventually.
What’s more, there may be talks for a new Fox News network — a Fox News 2.0, as it were, to replace the current Fox News which is “moving too far to the left.” Too far to the left of Attila the Hun, maybe.
However, to humor them, might I suggest some of the following programming for their new Fox News 2.0 network? I’m sure this stuff’ll bring in the eyeballs:
Bikini News Hour with Tomi Lahren
Once the Republicans get rid of Obamacare, Republican men are gonna need a replacement for their Viagra. Something like this might do the trick — one hour a day, every day a week.
Related: Conservative Star Tomi Lahren Gets Well-Deserved Dose Of Karma After Humiliating Tweets Surface
Cha-Ching! Real News with Scott Baio
This could be their nightly programming. It’d be like Real Time with Bill Maher, but for the intellectually impaired.
Sarah Palin TV
Oh yes. It’s time to give this a second go. Don’t you miss those stream of thought recipes and book advertisements? I know I do.
Truth™ in Science with Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort
Are you tired of that fake liberal science constantly telling you how things are? This is the program for you — come here and have every one of your biases verified without question by two great minds, together again at last! Sponsored by ExxonMobil and the Discovery Institute.
How To Pick Up Women with Bill O’Reilly
O’Reilly’s new self-help gig — a half hour show explaining all the roles that falafal plays in human courtship behavior.
Related: Remember When Jon Stewart Destroyed Bill O’Reilly On His Own Show? No? Well, Here You Go (VIDEO)
The Ted Nugent Variety Hour
The floor drain for Fox News 2.0, this program can be like those variety shows from the 70s. Ted opens each show with Fred Bear and closes with Catch Scratch Fever. Regular programming would include Warhawk Wednesday, Shit Your Pants Saturday, and Pedophile Friday.
Deport the Illegal Immigrant with Congressman Steve King
A new game show hosted by Congressman Steve King similar in structure to Where’s Waldo, except everyone in the crowd is brown so it’s okay if you deport the wrong one!
Naturally, programming like this will ensure that liberals stay far away from the network — just like anyone else with a brain. But hey, who needs brains? They have certainty and ideology, and that’s all they need.