Of all the developed world, only one country lacks a Universal Healthcare System: the United States. All of the others — whether they’re Germany, France, Taiwan, or Japan — have some form of universal healthcare. In fact, that’s even true of some developing countries: Thailand, Argentina, and Chile, as well as Oman and Botswana, all have some form of universal healthcare.
So if countries like Botswana and Thailand can have nationalized healthcare, why can’t the United States?
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Well, the insurance companies have finally revealed why — you see, they refuse to cover the United States because the United States has a pre-existing condition called “the Republican Party.”
The head doctor for national health care at John Hopkins University would go on to explain the condition further:
The Republican Party is a viral disease that starts off subtly. It starts convincing parts of the body that they can work by themselves and they don’t need one another. Soon, lungs are thinking that they’re better than livers, and your spleen is convinced that it’s a vital part of your brain. Then, the viral infection starts clogging up and shutting down vital processes that keep the body alive, mostly out of spite. When it reaches its terminal phase, the body can no longer work, and it eventually leads to cascading organ failure and the death of a nation.
According to the doctors, the disease also boosts natural assurance to ludicrously overconfident levels, causes individuals to fetishize firearms, and makes one deathly allergic to anything remotely related to the truth. There’s also a small chance it may turn your skin orange.
It sounds serious. So is there any treatment?
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“There is, but it’s incredibly costly and expensive,” said the head doctor. “Not only do you have to flush the Republican Party from the system, but you have to undo the damage it did. And that’s time-consuming; it can take decades.”
“It’s a dangerous and expensive condition,” the spokesperson for Blue Cross said earlier this month. “And that’s one of the reasons why it qualifies as a preexisting condition, and why we can’t cover it.”
The spokesperson would go on to add, “We wish the United States all the best in its battle with the Republican Party. But we won’t offer coverage for it.”