Keter’s Korner: Creationists, Pro-Trumpers And Kid Rock — Oh My!

Welcome to Keter’s Korner. Today, we have three letters on the table — one by a creationist in Kentucky, the other by Trump-supporter in Wyoming, and the third by a gentleman in Michigan. So without further ado, let’s dive in:

Dear Mister Keter,

I’m a Bible Believing Christian who believes that Genesis calls it like it is. I’m also an engineer, and I’ve recently began to notice something troubling at my church: some of them are actually starting to believe the world is flat — and what’s more, they’re using the Bible to justify it!

I’m not sure how to take this. At Bible Study the other day, I got into an argument over whether the Bible justifies a flat earth. When they said it does, I told them that there’s taking the Bible literally and then taking the Bible literally, and they’re taking it literally the wrong way.

What is the cause for all this misunderstanding and ignorance? I’m lost, help!

Creationist in Kentucky

Dear Mr. Kentucky,

Flat-Earthism is indeed spreading around the globe faster than a mosquito (or was it lice?) swarm spread across the Nile River Delta. After all, several flat-earther billboards encouraging people to “do the research” have popped up all over the country. It’s a plague of ignorance — and since it’s a plague, that can mean only one thing: God’s behind it.

The real question here, though, isn’t how to stop this plague — it clearly can’t be stopped — it’s figuring out who ticked off God and then going Old Testament on them.

God does not send devastating plagues like this without warning, except when He does, so we need to figure out who’s causing this plague of ignorance and deal with them.

This won’t be easy, though. The closest thing we have to a Pharaoh is Donald Trump, and we all know that President for Life Donald Trump is nothing at all like the Pharaoh. Sure, Trump might think he’s a god and be worshiped as one by millions. And sure, he has a thing for gold, big towering buildings, slave labor, and he’s blindly greedy, and he clearly has no problem thinking about incest and . . .

Oh, piss.

Dear Mr. Keter

I’m a proud supporter of Mr. Trump, and I’m so sick and tired of liberals attacking him. Don’t they realize that they need to respect the office of the presidency?

For instance, all this stuff about Russia — Liberals think it’s the worst thing ever, but don’t they see that Mr. Putin is one of the greatest defenders of Christiandom? For instance, I was wating in line at the grocer the other day and I overheard someone saying something about Mr. Trump, calling him a “puppet” and going so far as to claim that he doesn’t love this country and that he was lying during his campaign!

Don’t they know it’s against the law to lie during a campaign? And besides, Mr. Trump would never do that anyway. Who do people think he is, a Democrat?

That’s the sort of disrespect I’m talking about — why can’t we all just get along, and agree that Mr. Trump is the president? Why do liberals have to be such sore losers?

Winner in Wyoming

Dear Mr. Wyoming,

I see your point. It’s very difficult being the winner. Especially when the horse you backed only won because it was carried across the finish line by a Russian-made tractor-trailer that went out of the way to run over the other horses.

I empathize with you, though. Mr. Putin is one of the greatest defenders of Christiandom from corrupt Western values like equality, democracy, and human rights. It’s a good thing Republicans have someone they can look to and say, “I want to be like him when I grow up.” Before, all they had was Rush Limbaugh and Kim Jong Un, and neither one is a picture of masculinity. I mean, if you’re going to have someone puppet you, why not a former KGB agent who rides bears and has washboard abs? That’s a man, right there.

Dear Mr. Keter

What do you think about Kid Rock’s potential senatorial bid?

Musing in Michigan

Dear Mr. Michigan,

Bow-diddy-w-t-f.

And that’s all for this week. Tune in next week for more letters.

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