Lord Cheeto has already admitted that being president is harder than he expected it to be. That’s not surprising, since he was probably looking forward to a crown and a throne and maybe even a court jester, es evidenced by his appointment of Sean Spicer as Press Secretary. How could he have known that he’d have to work every day and actually give up golf and tweeting and put his businesses in blind trusts? He obviously hasn’t quite settled into the role since he refuses to actually do those things.
Rather than look into what he could do to make his job easier by studying other presidents — since they hide that information in books — Trump has decided to instead streamline his job with a new console that turns the Resolute Desk into a one-touch presidenting machine. The idea came when he had LBJ’s “Fresca button” re-installed with the exception that it delivers a rust-dissolving Coke with all of its empty calories. If he can have a one-touch refreshing beverage, why not automate some other things as well?
Trump sent the idea off to the smartest people at his companies, who came back with three buttons that said: “wash, rinse, repeat.” Realizing for the first time that he’s a moron who employs idiots, he decided to break with protocol and ask the most qualified people in America, the Germans, to brainstorm the idea and come back with a winning solution. That’s exactly what they did.
Donald Trump now has one-touch controls for just about anything he needs to president, freeing up time for golf and weekends at Mar-a-Lago he would have taken anyway. His fancy new console includes these fantastic options:
- Instant McDonald’s – With the push of a button, Chris Christie flies in from Newark and grabs a hot, fresh Bic Mac and fries on his way from Dulles.
- Deregulate Something – This function takes a random regulation about the environment and abolishes it by executive order. So far this morning Trump has managed to send 2 species into extinction and poisoned the water supply for most of Oklahoma.
- Tweet About Hillary – In one fell swoop this button comes up with a 140 character tweet reminding the country that Hillary Clinton did, in fact, lose by eleventy billion votes.
- Find Something For Reince To Do – Since he doesn’t seem to have a real job, this button finds random things around the West Wing that need to be attended to. Today he’s cleaning the fish tank in the Mural Room and changing the protective covers on the chairs in the press room where the kids from Breitbart sit.
- Watch Kellyanne Age – This nifty feature allows Trump to summon Kellyanne Conway to the Oval Office where she stands for 5 minutes and ages 2 years before his eyes.
- Tweet about Obama – Another generator that puts together 140 characters about how whatever is going wrong today is all Obama’s fault.
- Ego Stroke – Russian prostitutes swing by to pee on random things Obama has touched.
- The Help Button – A direct line to Vladimir Putin’s office for orders on what to do next.
- Make Stuff Up – On particularly slow days, this button will spit out a “news” story that doesn’t exist for Trump to tweet about.
- Spicercize – This sends a series of lies, out of context quotes, skewed and altered labor statistics and poll numbers from Rasmussen to the press right before Spicer is set to do a conference so Trump can enjoy the show.
- Give Paul Ryan the Finger – This sends an email to Paul Ryan’s private server with an attached picture of Trump flipping the bird.
- Forward All Presidenting to Mar-a-Lago – This puts America on hold until Trump reaches Palm Beach and finishes his first round of golf and a well-done filet mignon with ketchup.
- Go For Broke – The big red button at the bottom starts World War III, sending nuclear weapons to destroy our enemies in Canada and Mexico.
That about covers everything Trump could possibly be expected to do in a given day. This fantastic new console will make it so the Butternut Bigot can rule over the 62 million assholes who voted for him effectively while the rest of us shake our heads and count the minutes to 2020.
This post is marked “political satire” because it isn’t real. We know it isn’t real. If it were real we’d be moving to Tibet. Please refrain from going to our Facebook page to tell us it’s not real or you’ll endure much mockery. Thanks in advance.
~Busta Troll – Ham sandwiches at high noon.