WASHINGTON, D.C. — A 42-year old man from Wisconsin has been following Attorney General Jeff Sessions around and openly laughing at him. When asked, Gerald Hoffmeyer told the press he was doing so in an attempt to get arrested, convicted and sent to prison for “hopefully the full four years Trump will be in office.”
Hoffmeyer says he was inspired by the story of Desiree Fairooz, an activist who was arrested and convicted of “disorderly or disruptive” behavior at Sessions’ confirmation hearing earlier this year. Though it sounds incredibly farcical in a country with a First Amendment in its Constitution that protects freedom of expression, Fairooz was charged because, incredibly, she laughed during Sessions’ hearing. The laugh came when Sen. Richard Shelby stated that Attorney General Sessions built a reputation for “treating all Americans equally under the law.”
Fairooz faces up to one year in prison if the judge in her case takes her conviction and throws the book at her. But Hoffmeyer is hoping that if he can get arrested for laughing at Sessions that he’ll get a sentence four times as long. He explained that his health is the driving factor.
“I have a chronic condition that has kept from having a full-time job for the last three years,” Hoffmeyer said, “and if they’re able to make pre-existing conditions a thing again, I’m royally screwed. So I decided my best bet would be to have the state take care of my food, clothing, and most importantly, healthcare for the next however long that orange moron is in office.”
Hoffmeyer said that since Trump has been in office, every day has felt like a week, and the anxiety is making his condition worsen. He figures that being in a prison cannot possibly be any worse than being on the outside during the Trump era.
“Between the spike in antisemitism,” Hoffmeyer said, “potentially losing my health insurance, and the constant threat of instability every he goes, I just feel like we’re headed for an even bigger shit show on the outside than I’d have to deal with in the pokey, is all.”
When asked, Mr. Hoffmeyer said there are a few other places he’d gladly go instead of staying in Trump’s America.
“Oh, most definitely,” Hoffmeyer responded, “like if I was given a one-way ticket to Guam, I’d take it right now. A lean-to shack made of diarrhea and cancer? Yup. I’d sign up to live there for four years instead of in Trump’s America, you bet.”
The Department of Justice did not respond to requests for comment.