Melania Made Donald Hire A Private Tutor

After three months of trying to be himself as well as President of the United States, it has become obvious that Donald Trump is incapable of multitasking. To rectify the situation, his wife Melania insisted on hiring an expert on presidential behavior.

The man they found is the same guy who was hired to make George W. Bush look less like a teenage buffoon and more like a world leader. He currently runs the local clown college in Alexandria, Virginia.

The curriculum will need to be different from the one taught to Dubyah. That moron needed to be schooled in how to be Dick Cheney’s marionette, while Trump needs to be trained to be more like a typical person and less like a narcissistic megalomaniac. At the same time, he needs to look less like a petulant child.

It truly is the most difficult job in Washington. Turning a billionaire dumbass with a 4th-grade vocabulary and tiny hands who eats Beefaroni and well-done steak with ketchup into a respectable adult is about as easy as training a labradoodle to mix a proper Long Island iced tea.

Starting next Monday, Trump will spend his afternoons behind a school desk taking notes as 0he’s taught the basics of being a decent and respectable human being. The first hour of each class will focus on treating women as something other than sex toys followed by humanizing brown people into something other than a burden on society.

From there the lessons will alternate each day between expanding his vocabulary to a 7th-grade level, using social media like an adult rather than an angry teenager with something to prove and spending the necessary 11 seconds thinking about the next thing he will say rather than just blurting things out for Kellyanne Conway to spin on the Sunday morning news show circuit.

There will also be extra credit assignments that could earn Donnie trips to McDonald’s and movie nights alone with Ivanka that will include staying in the White house for more than a week without jetting off to a Trump resort on the taxpayer’s dime, holding foreign policy meetings in private rather than in front of Asian world leaders and not calling everyone who simply repeats the things he says “fake news.”

It’s going to be a long and difficult road and in the end, confidence is very low that he’ll succeed. He is, after all, Donald trump — one of the most useless collections of skin, bones, fat and fluids ever collected. If something isn’t done soon he’ll need to be classified as “sucking up a good man’s air.”

That would be tragic.

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