President Trump Asks Second Lady Melania To Bring His White, Hooded ‘Security Blanket’ To The White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump, having recently expressed some feelings that his new job is much harder for him than his previous job was, has reportedly made a request to Second Lady Melania Trump. Sources close to Mr. Trump say he’s asked his third wife to bring down his security blanked, which is pure white and has a pointy hood attached.

“It’s a very special Snuggie that my mother had made for me when I was a little child, even before Snuggies were invented,” Trump reportedly told his top administration officials, “and I need it right now.”

The president told Reuters that he “loved [his] previous life” and he had “so many things going.” Since being sworn into office, however, the president said in the interview that the job of being president is “more work” than he did in his  “previous life.”

“I thought it would be easier,” Trump told Reuters. Aides say that after the interview went public, Mr. Trump was even more sensitive to how difficult the job was. He paced around the Oval Office for an hour, watching Fox News and, according to several sources, wishing out loud that he could take a vacation to somewhere he could be with friends and forget about his job for awhile. Reince Priebus, Trump’s Chief of Staff, suggested a jaunt down to Mar-A-Lago, Trump’s luxury estate in Southern Florida.

Trump demurred.

“No fuckin’ way,” Trump apparently told Priebus, “not after I made the mistake of calling that the Southern White House. I never should have taken that distinction away from President Davis’ residence in Richmond. Now all I can think about when I think of Mar-A-Lago is work. You know, because I did all that work…wink wink…on the golf course.”

Instead of Mar-A-Lago, Trump thought about “visiting old comrades” in Moscow. But when he found out his favorite Russian sex worker agent had been pushed off a roof when he expressed some mild anti-Putin sentiment, President Trump was worried his Russian vacation wouldn’t let him have a “one of those special shows” he likes so much. So, he scrapped the vacation idea and Mr. Trump decided to call the Second Lady.

“Can you get SLOTUS on the phone please,” Trump said into the Pop Tart on a plate on his desk. He hasn’t, according to multiple adies quite figured out how the phone system at the White House works. A low level staffer dialed Trump Tower for the president, and Mr. Trump asked Melania to bring the white, hooded blanket down to him. Mrs. Trump reportedly told him no, because their “arrangement only specified one White House visit a month,” and she’d already come up to bring him his favorite collection of 1290’s racist tchotchkes the week prior.

Reportedly, Melania will be sending Trump’s security blanket via courier in the next few days. This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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