This isn’t fake news. As absurd as it is to believe, this is something that actually just happened. And, here we thought that whole “birther” thing had been put to bed.
Well, not quite yet. According to Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona, a conservative hero who just happened to not win his 2016 election bid, President Obama’s birth certificate was forged and he has proof.
Apparently Sheriff Joe Arpaio is a bit concerned about his position as being Donald Trump’s “special” sheriff, what with the stiff competition from the likes of Sheriff David Clarke of Milwaukee.
This announcement comes after Arpaio’s team of investigators spent five years searching for evidence to prove the birth certificate was legit. No seriously, they said that.
Mike Zullo, part of Arpaio’s cold case posse, said the probe into the legitimacy of the President’s birth certificate wasn’t political and that they were simply trying to clear the president.
Think of it. We were trying to clear the president. It didn’t work out that way.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Riiigghttt, trying to clear the president. *wink wink* Sure.
The Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office called a press conference where Arpaio dramatically told reporters:
I hope we enlighten you of what the real story and evidence is all about regarding this fake, fake birth certificate.
The team is claiming that after careful analysis of the birth certificate released by the White House in 2011, certain letters, words and dates match the same letters and numbers on another birth certificate from Hawaii, and that, with the discovery of how Photoshop works, proves forgery. What was their overwhelming proof?
Well, the investigators went into their press conference armed with a PowerPoint and a video of someone using photo editing software (like Photoshop) to copy and paste items from one birth certificate to another.
Whhaatt??? What is this wizardry?!?
Apparently these guys had no idea such things were possible and the fact that someone else could do it proves it was done to Obama’s birth certificate.
Investigators say the fonts and letters from the birth certificate of woman named Johanna Ah’nee who was also born in 1961, just 19 days after President Obama, match and the certificates were printed just 16 days apart. That’s right. Hawaii’s Department of Health may have actually used the exact same typewriter on two birth certificates created in their office during the same month. But wait, there’s more! Those two birth certificates were also for two babies born at the same hospital. Say it ain’t so!
Well, there it is.
In addition, they cite Hawaii law which allows amended birth certificates to become official record, which is basically the case in like every state, you know for things like adoption and paternity. Closing the following statement with a smirk, Zullo tells the press:
Well, when you start to study the Hawaii statutes you realize that there are ways to amend a certificate, that turns the real certificate into a sequestered record in another file and the amended information now becomes the original birth document. And that could happen 54-64 hundred years later.
Umm, first off, 54-64 HUNDRED years later? WTF? Was President Obama born 5,400 or 6,400 years ago? Oh, whatever. These people!
Although, they don’t point to any evidence of an amendment being filed for President Obama’s birth certificate that magically made it an official certificate of live birth for Hawaii – that’s it. That’s proof, guys.
Arpaio says he will be turning this evidence over to the feds where I’m sure they will make this priority over things like Russian hackers who influenced the 2016 presidential election.