Good news, you guys! I’m not failing spectacularly at being a functional adult! I’m just a wicked smaht, bleeding-heart liberal! Or so says a bunch of studies that I’ve cobbled together to make me feel better about my life.
First on the docket, the shit that comes out of my mouth. It would seem some fine folks in the scientific community took it upon themselves to dispel a myth around us foul-mouthed assholes. A real study found that those of us who are fond of less than polite language are not being “lazy”. In fact, those who were able to spout off the most cusses in a minute scored higher on IQ tests. See dad? Sometimes a well-placed f-bomb is better than any Scrabble-worthy adverb. As an added bonus the same study also found a correlation between pejorative fluency and neurosis…but we’ll leave that the fuck alone for now.
Next up: “Reasons other than my 4-month old that I’m up late at night.” An article from the lovely people over at Psychology Today found that those of us who stay up to the wee hours of the morning are not simply “irresponsible,” “drinking coffee too late in the day” or “drunk.” We’re actually just smarter than the rest of you day-walkers. Take that, overly chipper for 6AM co-worker! Science says I’m surly only because I’m cognitively superior to you.
“Okay, fine Amanda,” you may be saying “those are great excuses for cussing like a sailor and being late to work all the time but what about your messy room? Surely the avalanche of unfolded clothes slowly swallowing your house is just pure laziness!” Nuh-uh, mom! It just means that I’m creative! See! Researchers at the University of Minnesota found that while all you neat-freaks may eat better, be more generous and commit fewer crimes, we slobs tend to think more outside of the box. The study established that tidy environments encourage people to do what is expected of them like choosing an apple over chocolate or donating more of their money to charity. Meanwhile, a virtual pigsty fosters more creativity. The study concluded that “Disorderly environments seem to inspire breaking free of tradition, which can produce fresh insights, orderly environments, in contrast, encourage convention and playing it safe.”
So there we go! All these things that others may see as personality flaws or laziness are actually just an artifact of my being a wildly verbose, intelligent and creative human being! I feel so much better now! So great that I’m going to leave that hamper full of laundry until tomorrow and whittle away my son’s nap time making vulgar posts on my favorite mothering subreddit…
Oh, you want to know how all of this correlates to us liberals being superior to conservatives? Okay.