The Dumbest ‘War On Christmas’ Conspiracy Theory Ever Just Hit Conservative Radio Waves

Say you’re a right-wing Christian. You probably spend your Sunday, especially this time of year, sitting on the couch watching football. That’s all well and good, but does it live up to the reputation of early Christians? Sure, it can be frustrating to have to get up and get a new beer from the fridge, but is it really as bad as being fed to a lion?

It’s enough to give a person martyr envy, which is like penis envy except you’re already a man and you’ve got a .45 specifically for that reason. So when confronted with this truth, you experience some psychological discomfort and feel a tad unsettled.

RELATED: The Satan/Clinton Connection: Your Daily Reminder That Right-Wing Christians Are INSANE

Jesus, after all, said that you would be persecuted. It’s there in the Bible; you don’t remember where, but since it was one of the sections you’ve read, there isn’t a lot to choose from. How do you jive that with the fact that you’re reaching for your next can of beer, completely unharmed by a state that’s now being lead by a man you just elected based on “Christians principles”?

The answer is simple: you invent your own persecution.

It’s all the fun of being persecuted without having to give up any power to, you know, actually be persecuted. This lets you smile smugly as you sit back on the couch and down the eighth can of your favorite beverage, Budweiser select 55, knowing that you too can live the live of early Christian martyrs.

This is the thought process that went into Christian theocrat Holly Meade’s (how’s that for a name?) recent proclamation that Christians were going to face the brunt of “religious cleansing” carried out by Jews “cultural Marxists”.

Meade made the proclamation while sitting in with Liberty Council’s Matt Staver on his radio broadcast, “Faith and Freedom.” Don’t ask how this will happen; Meade herself isn’t sure. But she’s confident that the communists are coming:

We’re dealing with it even today, these cases where these atheist groups are trying to take out Christmas and Christ out of the holiday. It’s just so prophetic. Ronald Reagan had talked about Christians in the former Soviet Union were brave if they went out into the streets to sing Christmas carols, knowing they could be arrested. There was a Roman Catholic priest who delivered a sermon in 1983 protesting against the fact that December 25 had been declared a work day instead of a holiday. And what happened to him? He was arrested by police, beaten, imprisoned and died! I hate to say, but if we continue, we’re getting that way in the United States.

RELATED: Right-Wing Terror: 15 Times Conservative ‘Christian’ Terrorists Murdered Innocent Americans

So wait, what was the point of voting for Trump again?

As long as there’s a dollar they can wring from some hapless uneducated rube somewhere, there will be persecution. So onward, brave Christian soldiers! Those windmills aren’t going to tilt themselves.

Written By
More from Keter Mason

Trump Worried White House Won’t Have Enough Ink To Fill Out Pardons For Himself

It's 3 AM on a Sunday morning in the White House, and...
Read More