Trey Gowdy, the animatronic machine purchased by the GOP in 2012 to persecute Hillary Clinton, malfunctioned this morning in a special session of the Committee To Beat Dead Horses. Gowdy, designed and built by Disney and given his nearly-human exterior appearance by Madame Tussaud’s Wax Emporium, was halfway through a sentence when suddenly its eyes glazed over and it stopped moving, leaving it with an eery half frown.
The session was postponed after several prominent Republicans agreed that they were far less effective without Gowdy’s South Carolina accent. A team of experts kept on hand to service the older but obviously more reliable Mitch McConnell model was brought in but couldn’t save the Gowdy. One specialist, who was visibly upset, told us in a statement:
The Gowdy was revolutionary. I was on the team that designed and built it. The way it moved; the way it pointed at people…it was nearly perfect. Sure, it tended to ask the same questions over and over again, but that was by design. Luckily we have a backup system in place but it will take days to install the BENGHAZI! program.
Another mechanic told us that the lighting in the committee chambers was probably the culprit:
This model wasn’t designed like the McConnell. Nobody expects that thing to appear human in any way, but the Gowdy…it was special. Unfortunately it was the wax exterior that made it’s demise inevitable. The lights melted just enough of its upper lip to seep into the computer, a modified Commodore 64, causing it to malfunction and shut down right in the middle of a sentence.
The Gowdy was trying to say, ‘and how many emails have YOU deleted’ to a kitchen worker at the hotel that Hillary Clinton stayed at in Nashua, New Hampshire during the primaries in 2008. It would be the last time the Gowdy would ever say anything. Technicians are currently installing Trey 2.0 and have re-started the Issa to temporarily ask stupid questions that have been answered 400 times already so congress can continue functioning as the oligarchs who own it have designed.
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