Trolling Conservatives 101: Refinancing Student Loans For Dummies

I just can’t help myself. Every time an election comes up, conservatives I’ve known since childhood disappear from my friends list on Facebook. I’m a Liberal Troll. I do what Liberal Trolls do. Because I used to come to keg parties at your house or play dodgeball with you in 3rd grade doesn’t exempt you from the world of logic and reason. If anything it makes me sad to know you grew up in a liberal state with all of the opportunities that came with it and chose to be selfish and racist and care about only your own interests. Your shallow posts are fair game.

This one came from a guy I consider a decent person. He’s a hard-working man and a good father. His politics suck. He hates the poor. He calls Hispanic people “Ricans,” as though being Puerto Rican is some kind of an insult. He’s apparently never had pastelitos. Before you jump down my throat and call them Cuban food, the Puerto Rican variety I grew up loving are also known as empanadas.

Anyway, this was what my friend Steve, who I have to say puts up with an incredible amount of liberal trolling from me — probably because he doesn’t read much of it — got from watching the Democratic National Convention’s opening night:


I responded to his single sentence of ignorance with many, many paragraphs of my own:

busta steve1bustasteve2a

Here’s the full text in case you can’t read the screenshot. You’re also welcome to use any or all of it for your own “help, there’s a moron on my timeline!” needs:

It can be done. Republicans just approved a rate increase to 6.8% on Stafford Loans, which is a great rate for risky borrowers like those pesky college kids, while banks, who pose no risk at all to the stability of the economy, enjoy borrowing at 0.75%. Because…why not? Not a chance that rate or even double that rate could be given to kids fresh out of college.There’s little to no regulation on private loans, either. That just wouldn’t be fair. Banks are people, too.

Predominantly wealthy, predominantly white, predominantly male people, but those are just silly statistics. Those people should be applauded for making their own way to successful careers with absolutely no bias or privilege involved.

Banks need our help. The $6 billion the big 3 made in overdraft fees alone off of shady count the withdrawals before the deposits practices barely keeps the CEO fed, never mind the multitudes of other executives who would otherwise have to survive with 4 cars instead of 5. We can’t turn our backs on them. I mean, what could it possibly cost to help a few dedicated people who will be the only ones to come through the next crash unscathed…again…if we spread the debt out to 15 or 20 million college students? I mean, if they have a hard time repaying their debt they obviously chose the wrong major.

I’m telling my kids they should major in cash registers and fryolators so they can get great jobs and start working on their “human capital.” My daughters will need to accept that if they take any time off to start a family they then deserve to start at square one. Hopefully they’ll find good men who majored in hedge funds and ponzi schemes and not some low-life hippie who wasted 4 years getting a useless degree in psychology who’s hell-bent on working in social services helping people or one of those idiots who thought English Lit would get him a job as a teacher. Pfffftttt….Teacher…have you seen what they make? Those idiots will be paying their student loans FOREVER!

Thank goodness there are all those great refinancing options for people with good credit. I mean, if you got out of school and couldn’t find a job because it was 2009 and you didn’t major in Wait staff specialties or warehouse stocking you were probably just some irresponsible loser looking for a free ride from the government anyway.

They get a sweet deal. Did you know that if you qualify for every single program available, which you can’t because most count as income towards the others, but if you could and if you took advantage of three church charities and 4 food banks a week you can make like $50K a year? Yeah. People are dropping out of the workforce left and right to bank on their $4 a day in food stamps.If they have kids they get even MORE!

How does any of this relate to refinancing student loans? It relates because conservatives love to deal in absolutes like “hey, I refinanced my loans, therefore everyone can.” That’s not reality. That’s not how the system works. The system is rigged to allow banks to acquire massive amounts of debt to hedge against the actual money they’re paying themselves. It allows that debt to be bought, sold and traded like a commodity. How can they do that? Because trillions of dollars in federally guaranteed student loan money is coming their way whether the kids can repay it or not.

It’s what we call corporate welfare, and it costs the average taxpayer 10 times more than public assistance and is rivaled only by the defense budget, which is just another term for “upper-class welfare system.”

It’s great that you were able to refinance your loans. It’s fantastic that everything is working out so well for you. I’m doing pretty well myself. That doesn’t mean we get to tell the rest of society “screw you.” It means we count our lucky stars for the opportunities we’ve been afforded because for much of America, staring down the barrel of the first generation to do worse than their parents is the reality, and that ain’t Obama’s fault.

‘Make America Great Again” refers to the glory days of 2001 to 2009, when an open checkbook from a GOP congress to a buffoon delivered a housing market appealing to a giant Cheeto looking to score off of the misery of others. And score he did.

It’ll be grand. We’ll just call the skyrocketing unemployment “laziness” and blame the next Democrat to take office for all the spending on wars he didn’t start but managed to end and the bailouts approved by Republicans but tacked onto his legacy.

Welcome to the philosophy of “trickle down liberalism.” It’s where you make a blanket statement of how things work in Utopia and someone who sees the whole picture shares it with you. I hope you enjoyed it.

Thanks for the topic. I needed a good rant to start my day.

RELATED: The NRA’s New ‘We’re Not Racist’ Campaign is So Incredibly Stupid It Just Had To Be Trolled (SCREENSHOTS)

~Busta Troll – If you can’t stand the heat…just unfriend me.

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