It’s no secret that the White House has issues with spending. By occupying three buildings, Mar-a-Lago, Trump Tower and 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Trump has caused a vacuum that sucks cash from the American people at an alarming rate. Now he’s forced to go even further.
The staffers in the West Wing and the members of the cabinet are demanding special treatment. They’ve given Trump an ultimatum: Either give in to their demands or they’ll hold their breath until they turn blue, get down on all fours and bang their heads off the floor.
The demands are actually pretty simple. First and foremost, a pacifier for every junior staffer. Holding a real government job is hard work. Is a binky really too much to ask? They’re also demanding that for every hour worked, they’ll require a two hour nappy.
Senior staffers are also reportedly ready to walk out unless Trump is willing to supply them with a few job perks of their own. For starters, an egg full of silly putty and a can of play-doh for every desk. They want half of their stock of Dixon-Ticonderoga number 2 pencils replaced with Crayola crayons and the college-ruled notepads with construction paper.
When the cabinet room got wind of the demands going around, they began stomping their feet and crying for some concessions of their own. Rex Tillerson wants one of those Exxon Tanker truck toys with the working doors and the cab that pops open so he can pretend he’s working on it. Ben Carson wants a Big Wheel and Betsy DeVos wants a Sit N’ Spin…go figure.
Rick Perry wants a Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time. All Mad Dog Mattis wants is a hippopotamus for Christmas.
The National Security Council wants to have the big table in the Situation Room removed and replaced with a slab of pavement and some sidewalk chalk so they can draw wars in pretty colors. That would be on top of the 60,000 Legos they’ve already ordered to build a mock-up of the southern border wall.
All of the demands were presented to Reince Priebus, yes — he still works there — who brought them to Trump just before he left for his latest play date at Mar-a-Lago. Trump nodded his head and told Priebus to add Chutes and Ladders and Mousetrap for the Oval Office. He suggested that Risk or at least Stratego would be more suitable for a president but was shot down.
“I don’t like to have to think while I’m working,” Trump said, “maybe we should go with Candyland instead of Mousetrap. That one gets a little tricky.”
The total cost to the taxpayer will be some cash and a whole lot of humiliation knowing that this is, in fact, the group of idiots who run our country.
This post is marked political satire for a reason. I apologize if you have no sense of humor, really I do, but if you go to our Facebook page and comment “fake news,” I’ll come to your house and set your bushes on fire.