Trump Names His Next Press Secretary (Who Has Mad Twitter Skills)

As President-elect Donald J. Trump goes through the list of positions he must fill, the one position which has caused him to lose the most sleep, namely because he has to rage tweet at 3 a.m., has been the White House Press Secretary. After all, this is an individual who will govern over Trump’s most prized resource – his Twitter account.

Fortunately for Trump, the right man for the job was right there on his Twitter feed. @Trumpatriot69 has stepped forward, with his original Pepe the Frog memes where he not only included a low quality image of Pepe, but also utilized a vast array of clip art, as well as his use of un-cited data graphs covered in all red, he has shown some real moxie.

Trump said of the hiring:

This kid is qualified. He puts out the best Tweets. Well, not as great as mine, but they’re good.

Randall, who really prefers to just be called by his Twitter username because no one wants to be named Randall, is from Lexington, Kentucky. He lives in his parents’ basement, owns more guns than any one person on the face of the earth needs, and prides himself in the fact that his Twitter feed has not been idle for more than 20 minutes in the last year and a half, with exception of when he is “’round back shootin’ the cans” or sleeping.

The President-elect has vowed that Twitter will be his main communication channel with the American public, so quick thumbs and a good stiff neck were both requirements of the job. Trump was extremely impressed with both the quantity and quality of Randall’s Tweets, so hired him on the spot.

Randall will be in charge of retweets and the official White House Twitter accounts. He is asking the press to just simply follow him there, he follows back.

Randall also has a strong strategy in mind for Facebook. The official Facebook page will be Trump Daily where 1 like=1 prayer and for every share Facebook will donate three cents towards paying off the deficit.

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