Trump Names New FBI Director

***If you have no sense of humor please turn back now. Thanks for stopping by.***


Donald Trump is taking some serious heat for firing FBI Director James Comey. As the chief executive, Trump feels like the firing of Comey was warranted not because he happens to be the guy leading the investigation into allegations that team Trump joined with Russia to cheat the Democrats out of an election, but because of…her emails. Those damned emails. Yes, Trump let Comey go because he really, really thinks Hillary Clinton is a criminal and disagrees with the FBI’s handling of the case.

This morning, after many tweets on the subject and a nice session masturbating to the Drudge Report, Trump announced the only person he feels comfortable with running the nation’s premier law enforcement bureau. The announcement came in a statement that really needs to be read in the voice of Alec Baldwin impersonating Lord Cheeto. It’s much funnier that way:

My fellow Americans, I have a big announcement. Today, our great nation is one step closer to being great again. It’s a big step closer. Huge. A big, huge step closer this is so big. I have decided that the replacement for James Comey, who was terrible, a disaster by the way, will be none other than my daughter, Ivanka Trump.

Ivanka brings to the bureau the kind of trust that only someone named Trump can bring to law enforcement. Plus, she’s got a great body and fantastic legs. And that hair. It’s so perfect and straight. She’s like an angel. No man will be able to resist her. They will all want to date her like I would if it wasn’t a precedential conflict of interest. She’ll solve cases just with her smile and supple breasts.

Ivanka will begin immediately by dropping this silly investigation into Russia that the Democrats keep demanding because they’re upset that I won the greatest victory in the history of everything by eleventy million votes. She will instead recommend to the Justice Department that Hillary Clinton be charged with treason and executed for her emails.

Ivanka will take over today and she will be wearing her own line of clothing and designer shoes that you can own yourself by going to IvankaIsASexKitten.com. Don’t tell her that daddy set that one up. She likes to think she can do the same job a man can do.

When asked for a comment, Ivanka told a room full of people she thought were reporters but were actually just guests enjoying the free continental breakfast at Trump DC:

I’m pleased to be named director of things at the BFI. I will be starting a new program for working moms to bring their kids with them to work. I will also be making sure all women in the office are making as much as the men in the mailroom like Daddy does at his company so everyone is equal. Any other questions can be directed to my husband as soon as he gets back from saving the world from the Africans.

Experts are predicting that the FBI will be pulling all of its agents out of the field by the end of 2017 to man the phones for handbag sales and that like everything else Trump does, this will be a complete and utter disaster.

But…her emails, so…


This post is marked “political satire” for a reason. If you feel the need to inform us that it isn’t real, there’s something wrong with you.

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