One of the most difficult decisions Donald Trump has had to make since taking office has been settling on a family pet for the presidential mansion. Originally, Trump had resisted the idea of a furry companion — because it would serve as another distraction from his affection for Ivanka — only to give in to pressure after seeing how much the American people adored the pets of past presidents.
Once the decision was made, the process of finding the perfect pet began. Trump was able to eliminate cats immediately, refusing to have an animal around that was obviously far more intelligent than the majority of his staff. A dog would never work because they are extremely loyal but have a hard time pretending to be happy when you make them promises you can’t possibly keep.
Less conventional pets like rabbits, ferrets and chinchillas were also ruled out because they have a tendency to lick the cheap gold spraypaint that covers the Trump’s furniture. Reptiles wouldn’t work because they’d be indistinguishable from the staff in the West Wing.
One by one animals traditionally suited as pets were ruled out until only one option remained…Scott Baio.
The choice is perfect, really. Scott Baio is a narcissistic freak whose $3.5 million net worth is less than that of the girl he used to babysit on Charles in Charge. He believes he is unimaginably rich and successful and spends his days playing golf with other assholes who think just like him.
Baio also supports everything Trump does without question, no matter how much of a hypocrite it makes him. He complained for years about Obama’s vacations and golfing and spending money on unnecessary security for his family, yet applauds the Butternut Bigot for the same behavior.
He will also be useful in connecting with the absolute turds who are attracted to Trump like flies to the corpse of our freedom. With an IQ slightly lower than that of his most famous character, Chachi, Scottykins will be able to sit by Trump’s side with his crooked-toothed smile and Rico-suave’ hair from 1983 and keep those who would question their supreme leader in line with a quick-witted retweet of something Sarah Palin said.
The best part is, he won’t cost the taxpayers anywhere near as much as the Obama’s did when Michelle went and hired 23 dog walkers at $97K a week each because she hated the American people; Chachi will walk himself for half of that.
Trump hasn’t decided whether to call him Scott, Chachi, or Charles or come up with a new name. He is a rescue, after all. If Lord Cheeto is going to make his final years worth a f*ck he should be able to give him a killer new name, right? He asked his wife and son last Tuesday what they think but they still haven’t returned his text.
You can call the White House switchboard at (202)456-1414 and recommend a new name for Scott Baio. Make sure to tell them Busta Troll sent you.
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