Trump Signs Executive Order To Mulligan His First 100 Days

April 29th marks Donald Trump’s 100th day as President of the United States and what a ride it has been. From the outside looking in, the historic mark that often defines an administration has been wrought with scandals, lies, more scandals and giveaways to the wealthy at the cost of the security of the middle and working classes and the environment.

So, just about what we expected, with the approval ratings to tell the tale.

From the inside, the story is…exactly the same. No matter how much President Dumbf*ck Flufferpants tweets or declares on Fox and Friends how great he is and what a bigly success his time in the Oval has been, he’s a complete and utter failure. A tool used by the wealthy to advance their agenda. The only things that have grown successfully under Trump are hate, division and his own ego.

To rectify the situation, Trump sat down Saturday morning just after first-tweet, about 6AM, and did what he thinks is how a president runs a country: he signed an executive order. Executive order EO-EIEIO states that since he is Lord Commander of the Realm, he shall have the authority to take a mulligan on the first 100 Days:

The president is the big, big leader and as such has the right to make many, many great changes. The first 100 days was a ridiculous benchmark set by the fake news, anti-Trump media and is hereby officially null and void. The administration will have a do-over, starting with another inauguration but this time I want tanks and those cool missile trucks like North Korea has.

President Pumpkin isn’t fooling around. He’s not happy with his approval ratings or how little he’s actually accomplished. The executive order also addresses the first-first 100 days and how unpopular it was:

Furthermore, anyone who mentions the first 100 days that have just passed will be charged with treason and sent to Gitmo under the Patriot Act. It never happened. The 30 executive orders designed to destroy America and the 38 pieces of legislation that guarantee more money for real estate businesses and more wealth shifted to the top 1 percent still stand, but complaining about them is hereby illegal. As a matter of fact, anyone breaking the law will be shot on sight.

Chief of Staff Reince Priebus reportedly told Trump that…you know…he can’t do that, but was sent back to his basement office with a lunch order from McDonald’s to pick up around noon. Steve Bannon, who is reportedly sleeping on a couch in the Oval Office until someone finds something useful for him to do, said that he likes the idea of charging people with treason for breaking the new law but that shooting folks for disagreeing should be reserved for black people and Muslims. He told reporters that “82 percent of black crime is black on black and Muslims want to blow us up.” When asked how that was relevant, he answered, “How is it not?”

Ranking Republican Paul Ryan said that the American people should disregard the order because Trump “doesn’t really understand how those work.” They aren’t laws or even instructions to the general public. They’re orders to department heads that fall under the umbrella of the umbrella of the executive branch. That won’t matter to 62 million mouthbreathers who will be reporting your posts on Facebook as hate speech.

The Butternut Bigot’s second first hundred days is scheduled to start Tuesday after he gets back from golfing in Florida.

This post is marked “political satire” for a reason. If you seriously think we’re trying to pass off something this silly as reality,  you need to have your head examined. Thanks in advance for NOT going to our Facebook page to declare it “fake news.”

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