President-Elect Donald Trump is wasting no time on his quest to make America great again. His team of political geniuses have been busy identifying areas in which the United States ranks lower than other countries. The goal is to see improvement in every category possible.
Unfortunately, most categories involve things like education, military spending, debt ratio, and other things that Trump quite frankly just doesn’t understand. According to an aide close to the giant Oompa Loompa, Trump was hoping America worked more like a TV show, where a little bit of shock and awe and maybe the killing of a popular character could drive up the ratings.
After weeks of hunting, however, the team has come up with one category that America scores very low in that Donald trump can actually comprehend. He was appalled to find out that on the list of sovereign nations worldwide, The United States comes in 244th alphabetically, just below The United Kingdom and barely squeaking out a victory over Uruguay.
In a series of Tweets, Trump displayed his concern for how the low ranking makes us look to the rest of the world:
This is, of course, great news for those of us tired of having to scroll all the way to the bottom when we’re filling out an online form, making us feel like we’re lower on the totem pole than we should be. Trump’s campaign manager, most trusted advisor and servant of pure evil, Kellyanne Conway, had this to say on the subject:
When the people spoke and elected Hillary Clinton but got Donald Trump they made things like this matter. I mean, what did you idiots expect? He’s a reality TV star and a horrible businessman.
The team to make alphabeticals great again has already come up with several ideas, the most obvious of which would be to reaarange the country’s name so “America” comes first. It almost seems natural, especially in the current political climate of nationalism created by 62 million assholes. Here are a few of the suggested changes:
- America’s United States
- American States United
- THEE Americans
It’s an ongoing process. The problem is, placing “America” at the front of the name doesn’t quite do it. That would put us in 4th place behind Algeria and Albania, 2 countries Trump has never heard of, and Afghanistan, which Trump thinks is the capital of Iraq. To solve the problem, Trump has come up with a brilliant solution made popular by smart businessmen like him in the 1980’s:
If we add the letter A a few times before our name we will be number one and there won’t be anything anyone can do about it,” said the giant orange traffic cone, “We will be the greatest on the planet!
The team quickly jumped into action and came up with these names for consideration:
- AAA United States Of America
- AA American America
- AAAA Muffler and United States
Again, it’s a work in progress. The Trump team says it won’t rest until this issue is resolved, which should be sometime shortly after the 2018 midterms.
Please don’t go commenting about this being “fake news.” This post isn’t news, fake news or anything associated with news, it’s political satire.