WASHINGTON, D.C. — Alleged President Donald Trump mused in an interview with The Washington Examiner over the weekend about whether Andrew Jackson, who had died more than a decade before it broke out, could have prevented the Civil War from tearing the country apart. Jackson has long been held as one of the most racist men to hold the office of the presidency and is often criticized for his ruthless treatment of Native Americans.
This morning, instead of walking back those comments, he doubled-down while sneaking out of the White House to make a Dunkin’ Donuts run.
“Maybe Andy Jackson couldn’t have stopped the Civil War,” Trump said, “no matter how great and awesome that guy was…I tell you what, you have to admire the way he handled the native question. Boy would I like to have that same option with illegals and Muslims. Wait. What was I saying?”
Trump took a moment, sniffed what looked like a small chunk of his brain back into his skull, and continued.
“Oh, right, the Civil War,” Trump remembered, “you know who I was thinking didn’t do enough to stop that war? Obama. Where was he when his country needed him the most, that’s what I want to know. The other night I was talking to a friend in Moscow — just a friend, a totally random-ass friend who none of you know so don’t ask — about it, and he really seemed to think Obama dropped the ball big time on this one, and I hate to say it, folks, but I think he’s bigly right.”
The press pool, shocked, just looked at each other and shrugged. Trump, undeterred, continued to explain what he –rather curiously — described as his “thinking.” Pundits marked this moment down as the first time in the president’s tenure that he admitted to doing anything remotely considered “thinking” or “having thoughts.”
“No, really, folks, think about it,” Trump admonished, “It seems to me Obama would have had an extra personal stake in this fight, so why didn’t he do more? Out of all the men to hold this office, Barack Obama would have had the most personal stake in it, so why didn’t he do more back then? Who can answer that question for me. Is Obama just lazy? Sad.”
Mr. Trump supposed to the press pool that had he gotten his way a few years ago, the world might have more answers to this question now.
“Let’s be real everyone, okay,” Trump said, “if I had been able to find his birth certificate, we’d know for a fact if he was alive and from Kenya back in the 1860s, or if for some odd reason, the mainstream FAKE NEWS press is right and he wasn’t even born yet and was — rather unbelievably if you ask me — born on some island in the pacific or whatever.”
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