Trump’s Early Morning Twitter Rampage Shows A Desperate Man On The Edge

It was just before 6 AM that Donald Trump decided to stop pacing around his penthouse in Trump Tower with veins popping from his fivehead and start rage-tweeting instead. The President-elect is angry, you see, because the “dishonest media” keeps reporting on the things they find out about him and not the things he wants them to say.

After one post about how great his cabinet is to give the appearance that he isn’t waking up frustrated and tweeting national security issues to morons, Trump tweeted this:

Well that settles that. Although…Trump seems to be the only one privy to that information. Do we just take him at his word or do we search for a more credible source? I already checked TMZ and Radar online and…nothing. Let’s go to that silly thing Trump can’t seem to master called “The Google” and search for “allegations against Trump”:

Hmmm…The top three stories have nothing to do with a failed spy, but there does seem to be a little thing about more spies confirming what he’s denying. The fortune story is fantastic and the CNN piece…well…they’re fake news. Trump said so. So…where’s this stuff about his political opponents and spies being sued? It seems we’ll need to watch Twitter.

Luckily, this is Lord Cheeto the Daft we’re talking about, so we didn’t wait long:

Oh…it was all “fake news” because Russia, in the act of covering their own ass, said so. Apparently we’ll be having four years of believing Russia when it’s convenient for Agent Orange and calling them liars when it’s not. That would be considered bush league by most experts or at the least, foreign policy for assholes.

The tweets go on:

Yes, Americans…the Russians are our credible ally who never do anything wrong while the intelligence community that works diligently in a non-partisan environment to safeguard our country from foreign threats are the bad guys. Luckily, we’ll get a report, on Fox News no doubt, from some of the most corrupt minds the political world has ever seen within 90 days.

That wraps that up…but wait…there’s more. What else could Trump possibly need to tweet about in a desperate attempt to clear his name from these horrible allegations? Why, Hillary Clinton, of course. If at first you look like an idiot, try throwing Hillary Clinton to your pack of inbred, intellectually challenged wolves:

There you have it. Hillary Clinton and her people and the FBI and stuff. That would be almost relevant had Hillary Clinton been seen or heard from in the past month or so. She and her people haven’t said much of anything. That’s called “having dignity.” Secretary Clinton knows she was shafted but has made little fuss about it for the good of the democratic process in general. But go ahead, Mr. Loompa…attack her one more time for good measure.

In case you didn’t despise him enough already, the giant orange traffic cone ended his suaray with this:

Screw you, America…and your health care, too.

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