WASHINGTON, D.C. — On top of all the other calamities befalling the Trump administration this week — from special counselors to Comey memos — the White House medical staff has released what could be considered a bombshell report on the president.
“It is true that the president doesn’t do physically strenuous activities,” Dr. Joe Silver told reporters, “because he believes he has a finite amount of energy to spend in his lifetime. It’s a matter of national security, frankly, to know what his energy level is therefore, and so we ran some basic, totally scientific tests and found some rather surprising things.”
Silver, Chief Resident Doctor of the White House, said that the lab results from the tests he and his staff did in fact confirm that Trump’s body contains a finite amount of energy. Using the most advanced medical technology available, technicians were able to also determine the chemical composition of that energy. Dr. Silver said no one on his team had ever seen results like these.
“Farts and racism,” Dr. Silver explained, “that’s literally the only thing keeping the old man going right now. Just pure, unabashed racism and pure, egg and mustard-y farts. It’s literally disgusting no matter how you look at it, but it’s true.”
Dr. Silver told reporters that during last year’s presidential campaign, then candidate Trump retweeted debunked crime stats that claimed black people committed 81% of the homicides against white people. The claim was rated “Pants on Fire” by PolitiFact, but more importantly Silver says, that was the start of the seeping of racism into the fart power that was already coursing through Trump’s veins, just under his “putrid and thin orange skin.”
“It’s the farts, that are keeping him awake,” Silver said, “but the racism is what is controls roughly 85% of his speech functions. It’s the damndest thing. When it’s not fixated on his daughter’s glutes, his brain is basically on a 24/7 loop of Breitbart and InfoWars headlines.”
Silver told reporters that despite the concerns of his staff, that there were no plans to do anything about the situation.
“Look, we’re only here to take care of the medical needs of the president,” Silver explained, “and I think we can all agree that by the looks of things, Trump isn’t going to be president much longer. So why waste the resources?”
This story is developing.
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